Hubert

We met him on my birthday. Really drunk, I grabbed a random guy and brought him over to my friends and said, "Hey guys, this is my cousin, Jacek." Everyone started to greet him when he put up his hand and stopped them. "No. I Hubert." These simple words would mean so much to us. I also believe they are the only words he knows in the English language. "No. I Hubert."

For the rest of the night Hubert hung out with us. He didn't speak at all, I don't think he understood anything either, but he just sat there and nodded his head and smiled when we looked at him. It felt very natural and right.

The next day we were unsure whether we had imagined Hubert or whether he was real. We scanned the photos of my birthday and sure enough found the unmistakable buzz/bowl cut of our friend. We thought that Hubert had touched our life once and we'd never see him again. Until...

The Halloween party. Like some sort of gift from the pagan gods, the unmistakable haircut of Hubert shot past us and we called him over. He sat with us for the rest of the night, 3 hours. Again, not speaking a word of English and just smiling and nodding. I'm not sure what he was doing in that bar or whether he had any plans that night, but he was either really cool or really lonely.

We learned two things about him that night.
a) he's a builder
b) he's a chess champion

The rest remained shrouded in mystery.

And really, "I am a builder" doesn't mean much either, does it?

We got his phone number that night and I vowed to invite him to all good parties. Hubert would be our 'living furniture.' Every time there'd be a lull in the party, I'd look over and smile at Hubert and he'd smile back and we'd enjoy a moment that went beyond words and language. Plus, he really seemed to enjoy it too. It was a win-win situation for everybody.

Or was it?

So when we did the century club, I invited Hubert. He came, with a bag full of WARKA STRONG 7% beer and I thought maybe he didn't understand the game. But sure enough, he went well past 100 and it didn't phase him. Hubert plays by his own rules. But alas, this was the night we learned the third thing about Hubert. Yes, he was a builder. Yes, he was a chess champion. But it turns out he was also a champion of perversion. Stealthily, beyond the perception of any man present, Hubert would throw winks and kisses at all the girls and we were told that our living furniture, was in fact just that, a perverted love seat waiting for a girl to sit on his face. Hubert was officially banned from our lives by every girl we know.

This one goes out to you Hubert. Wherever you are.



HUBERT: Oct-Dec 2006. SIT AND NOD IN PEACE.


Hubert found using the latest computer technology. It wasn't just a dream.

-"No. I Hubert"



- "No. I Hubert."

















-"I love you Hubert! Smile for the camera."
-"No. I Hubert."

- "Get away from me Hubert!"
- "No. I Hubert."