Dumbo had his feather.
Linus had his blanket.
If I were a cartoon character, I'd have my nerd glasses.
Why god? How did it happen?
Was it the punch in the face I got in Krakow? Was it the mosh pit this past weekend where someone knocked them off and stepped on them? Was it that fat retarded kid that sat on them them when I was teaching last year and had to peel them off her ass? Or was it me constantly taking them on and off in front of the mirror and mouthing "Oh yeah."
Whatever it was, today, when I took off my glasses, the frame snapped and shock came over me. The student I was teaching looked at them and said, "No good. Structure damage."
Those glasses were part of my face. Mulan helped me to pick them out, trying on endless pairs until that one was just right, was perfect. They fit my nerd persona perfectly. Without them I feel naked. I don't feel cool. When I don't wear them sometimes, people occasionally don't recognize me and ask me if I've shaved or lost weight. Even me. I keep looking in the mirror now and wondering what Screech is doing in my bathroom naked, brushing his teeth using my toothbrush...my
fucking toothbrush, Screech!!
Not once did I want to replace them. Not once did I even look at another pair of glasses. And last year, when I used my benefits to buy another pair, I put them away immediately, only as back up. I hadn't even worn them once in the 10 months I've owned them. Finally, today when I got home clutching my old broken pair, I put the replacement glasses on and looked in the mirror. A minute later I found myself screaming "I HATE YOU! i hate you!' AT THE IMPOSTER IN THE REFLECTION.
Had I known what would have happened this day, I would have bought three pairs of them right away 3 years ago and put one pair in my closet, one in a safety deposit box, and one in a time capsule on the moon.
No, these glasses were special. It's not like when you see a nice watch and really need it, and then a month later, see another one you love, and another, and another...These were the last pair and the only pair for me. Only once before did I ever love any personal article this much, my pair of discontinued Nike ninja shoes that I had in high school and wore until they had completely fallen apart and smelled so bad they were in a state of being perpetually aired out. Each time I wore them they brought me joy.
Now what? What the fuck do I do? Does anyone understand this? Has anyone ever owned something that was perfect and they didn't know how to live without? That they never wanted to replace? That became part of their personality? I was going to wear them until they were finally cool in Poland. I was going to give Woody Allen a run for his money for who could wear the same pair of glasses the longest. I was going to have photo albums where everything and everyone got older, but my glasses stayed the same? But not anymore?
What do I do???
Do I do the impossible, which is try to replace them with something identical, which will only result in me trying on 250 pairs of glasses and each time saying, "No, not quite right...". Everyone has felt this before, trying to replace something that was cozy, comfortable, familiar.
Or do I give up and get something completely different? If so, I'm scared. I'm dumbo, and I don't believe I can do it without them...