14 minutes of Poland

Scene 2

It is early in the evening of Tomek's grandfather's Name day. Tomek returns to his grandfather's house because he had accidentally taken his aunt and uncle's keys with him when he left earlier in the day. He enters the small, poorly lit kitchen. Everyone is sitting around the table, which contains 4 empty vodka bottles.

Cast of Characters

Tomek: hero
Dziadek: angry, cussmouthed drunk grandfather
Wujek Janek: uncle of Putski fame, sporting a big moustache
Wujek Rysiek: black sheep of the family, sporting an ever bigger moustache and an alcholic's nose
Ciocia: overweight chain smoking aunt. the only sober one.

Tomek sits down between Wujek Janek and Wujek Rysiek. Janek is growling at Rysiek and is holding fists.

Janek to Rysiek: I'm going to kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you. Let's go!
Rysiek: Bring it. Let's go. I'll kill you!
Tomek: Hey guys, what's going on here, calm down, calm down...Let's just relax a bit.
(Janek turns to Tomek, as if just noticing him, then begins stroking his head)
Janek: (barely conscious, in broken English) I love you. I love you. You are nice.
Rysiek: He loves you! Understand!?
Ciocia: You're his favourite, he loves you.
Janek: I love you.
Tomek: Ok, Ok. That's good.
(Janek now has a fistful of Tomek's hair and is shaking his head roughly)
Tomek: Ok, ok, that's enough now. Whoah...ease off now Wujek.
Dziadek: Leave him alone! Leave him the fuck alone!
(Dziadek leaps out of his chair and runs to Tomek and begins to caress his head)
Dziadek: I fucking love you. Don't listen to what anyone else goddamned says, I fucking love you!
Rysiek: He loves you, do you understand!?! He loves you!
Dziadek: I'll give my heart for you.
Rysiek: He'll give his heart for you. Understand? You can't do that in Canada. You can't love. You don't have love there!
(Dziadek begins kissing Tomek's head)
Dziadek: Do you love me, Tomek? Do you fucking love me?
Tomek: Yeah, sure Dziadek. You're cool man.
(Dziadek, beaming, returns to his seat)
Rysiek: Look at how happy you made him. Look at him. He loves you!
Dziadek: Shut the fuck up Rysiek! Get the hell out of here!
Ciocia: Hey, Tomek. That girl that was here earlier with you. If she keeps eating like that, she's going to be fat. Are you going to marry her?
Dziadek: Get fucking married. We'll have a big fucking wedding in the backyard. I'll get a goddamned band. Woohoo!
Ciocia: She was nice. But she's going to get fat if she keeps eating. Like Agnieszka, she really put on some weight.
(everyone pauses for a moment in agreement)
Rysiek: That girl had a nice damned figure!
Dziadek at Rysiek: What the fuck are you talking about? What kind of goddamned language is that for a nice fucking boy like Tomek to have to hear? Tomek, did you hear what that asshole said?
(Tomek nods with a sad look on his face)
(Janek returns to consciousness again and turns to Tomek)
Janek: (in broken English) You my friend. You my friend. To here. (pointing to his head)
Tomek: Yeah man, you're my friend too.
(Janek begins to stroke Tomek's head again)
Dziadek: Leave him the fuck alone!
Rysiek: He loves you Tomek!
Dziadek: Shut the fuck up Rysiek. Go to your room!
Ciocia: Oh my god! The keys! The keys! We forgot about the keys!
Tomek: Everyone relax! I gave the keys to Janek 10 minutes ago.
Ciocia: Janek! Where are the keys?
Janek: I dunno! I dunnnnnnnno. You check for me.
(Janek collapses on the table and everyone begins to dig through his pockets, rolling his limp body around to get to his front pockets)
Ciocia: They're not here! They're not here!
Tomek: Relax! Relax! They're there, on the table.
Ciocia: Phew, ok.
(there is now a 30 second lull of silence)
Dziadek: Tomek. Tomek. Be a good boy. Pull Dziadek's ear.
Tomek: What?!?!
Dziadek: Pull my ear goddamit! If you love me, just grab my fucking ear and pull it!
Tomek: What's going on here?
Dziadek: Pull my ear!!
Tomek: Is this some kind of Polish tradition? I'm not pulling your ear.
Dziadek: (waving his hand in disgust) Then to fucking hell with you!
Rysiek: Pull his ear! He loves you!
Tomek: Ok, i'll pull it.
(Dziadek walks over to Tomek and offers a big, old man's ear. Tomek holds it gently and tugs)
Dziadek: No! Harder! Really pull on it!
Tomek: Ok!
(Tomek yanks on his grandfather's ear and Dziadek returns to his seat beaming)
Dziadek: Dziadek loves you Tomek. He loves you!
(Janek returns to consciousness, and begins to stroke Tomek's leg and look at him lovingly)
Janek: (in broken english) You a good dog. Yes. You a good dog.
Tomek: Ok, I gotta catch my bus!
(Tomek sprints out the door laughing out loud)

The end.

Fat Tuesday

Yay. It was Fat Tuesday, which means all of Poland eats lots of donuts. I went to the store to buy some milk in the morning and there was a huge line for donuts. There were donuts everywhere and everyone was eating a donut! Yay Polish Donuts! I ate 3 Polish Donuts, which is about the average. How many did you eat?


That's right Gramps. I'm buying all the fucking donuts. No donuts for you, angry old Polish man. Don't look so shocked, you survived the holocaust, you've seen worse.


1 donut can't hurt, I'll just it it on the go!

What happened? Two donuts later and I'm a monster! I've got donut fever. Hide the children!


Phew! Healing medical donuts. Everything's gonna be ok! Thank god for vitamin donut.

Meteoras

The nicest thing I saw on this trip was Meteoras. On the very pinnacle of these bizarre massive volcanic rock formations surrounding the tiny city of Kalabakas, are 6 monastaries, built by monks in the middle ages to escape from people and to protect themsleves from the Turks, who were not tolerant of their religion. The only way to access them was by cages hoisted up by ropes. I asked how did they know when it was time to change the rope, and they said God would let them know by letting the rope snap. Now, the only way to access them is by overpaying for a taxi.

The volcanic formations in the background of Kalabaka.

They built these monastaries to escape us for peace and quiet, and now that very idea has attracted swarms of tourists. If only they knew that all they needed to do was place a giant sign on their monastery, "Greek Monks: horny and ready for love."



The nuns lived here. Countless cages of down were hoisted up here in medieval times for their
sexy nightly pillow fights.

Monks that coughed during vows of silence.

Jimmy Smits and I having dinner in Athens. This day just kept getting more spectacular.

The Oracle of Delphi

While in Athens, I decided to make an important pilgrimage to the Oracle of Delphi. There, for many thousands of years, the god Apollo would fortell the future through a priestess to the many visitors who made the journey, seeking advice. The oracle exerted a great influence, determening the course of marriages, wars, founding of colonies. It was visited by such famous people as Alexander the Great, Herod, and was the site of famous prediction in Oedipus Rex.

I myself was travelling to the Oracle with an important question. For many years, my maturity has been called into question. I never seem to be able to act like an adult, although I desperately want to be treated like one.

So, my question: "Oracle, will I ever finally grow up and amount to something?"

The answer to this question was quite shocking, and I invite you to read further!

As I entered the ruins, astounded by the variety of multi-sized rocks around me, I noticed that snow began to fall. You can imagine my shock, as we all know Greece is a tropical and warm country and snowfall should be impossible. This could only mean that something truly unusual and incredible was about to happen.

I hurried into the remains of the Temple of Apollo itself, and there, found a marble sign, shaped like a podium, indicating that these sacred rocks were not to be touched. I had a premonition, that here, in this holy place, something incredible would happen, when...

Lo and behold! Apollo himself suddenly appeared before me. Momentarily stunned by his good looks and perfect body, I was finally able to come to my senses and ask my question. Apollo, I asked, will I ever act like an adult and become something in this world? "Great Fame Awaits You As a Writer. You Will Write the First Greek Tragedy Sequel and Do For Greek Tragedy What Has Been Done For Police Academy Films" This sounded great, but I wanted to test whether this was really an omniscient being before me, so I quickly asked him what 999 times 999 was, to which he correctly replied 998,001. That did it for me. I quickly ran off with this good news and got drunk in the only bar in town.


I really overdid it in the bar, drinking Ouzo to the point that I actually went blind. Thankfully, a beautiful Greek woman in the bar took care of me and eventually took me home. I had the hottest, wild sex of my life. Until morning, when I woke up and saw this...

Disgusted, I ran to the hotel feeling filthy and used. However, during my 4 hour shower, I was suddenly struck with the idea for a new book. All the details of my day came together, Oedipus Rex 2: Boning Babcia, or maybe, Oedipus GrandRex: Two Wrongs Feel so Right.

Yes, it seemed my trip to the Oracle was indeed a success. That is until I got home, and had a closer look at the pictures and noticed this. Yes, Apollo was wearing a calculator watch. His amazing math abilities were a ruze. So, in the end, did I meet a Greek god, or was it all a clever trick organized by an undersexed Greek widow? We'll never know....unless I ask my magic 8 ball...




No, magic 8 ball, I don't believe I will. Some blog stories are best left a mystery.