Epic Train Trip I

1,432 - km covered on the trip
4 Number of times we suddenly found ourselves on a John Paul II street
17.4 - Length of Laurence's penis in cm
800 - Number of steps descended into the Wieliczka Salt Mine
1 - Number of times that I was maced by Craig
0 - Number of times I changed my underwear
26 - Number of times we peed outside to save 1 złoty
178 - Estimated weight in kg of Wawel's fattest nun
8 - Number of times that I woke up on the train to find Craig staring at me lustfully

This past long weekend, Polish rail offered an umlimited ticket for 60 złoty (20 dollars), valid for all of Poland for 6 days. Craig and I decided to take advantage of it, sleeping on night trains to save money on hotels, and paying a surprise visit to my family in Warsaw that I last saw when I was 9 years old. Yes, when travelling and in need of a place to stay, that aunt of an aunt of a cousin of a friend is suddenly your 'Ciocia'. On this trip I had only one goal. To find an extremely overweight, surly nun eating an ice cream. My ultimate sexual fantasty.

Here are some highlights from journey 1 - Wrocław to Warszawa.

Craig returning to Gliwice, his former home town in Poland, an industrial shithole with absolutely nothing to do. Like a Jew returning to Auschwitz, he was overwhelmed by the memories, but his of endless boredom and existential angst. Smile Craig, you made it out. How many others didn't...

The palace of culture and science. Your first view from the train station. Communist architecture at its finest. A gift from Stalin to Poland, many people want to tear it down. In it's basement levels are 40 feral cats whose job it is to keep the palace mouse free.

Our 5 hour stop in Kraków, which was our original goal. It was so full of English speaking tourists that we got out right away and took a night train to Warsaw...but not before flipping Police Van G76 over. Fuck you, G76!


Civilization at last. No more damned pierogi, no more bigos, no more barszcz. I'm in the big cosmopolitan city now. I can finally dig my teeth into a delicious "30cm Sandwicz"

Finally caught without a valid ticket on a tram in Poland. It took 8 months though. The fine was 86 złoty, and only later did everyone tell me that I should have given them a 20 złoty bribe to buy themselves some beer and leave us alone. Everyone told us this, like it was knowledge we should have been born with. Even an 300lb nun would have bribed these guys.


Gay.









But gayer.

Monument to the soldiers who died in the Warsaw Uprising. I was especially intrigued by the detail on the first soldier's leg so I had a closer look.
On closer inspection, I learned this was the monument to nerdy chicken shits who didn't want to Uprise, and were happy to stay in the ghetto and play Scrabble with Jews.










The special, childlike racism that only a country completely devoid of blacks can have. Who could name a coffee shop 'Little Blacky?' and have a big lipped African as their logo. No, not someone who hates blacks. No way. Only someone who has never seen one and classifies them with other fabled curiousities such as elves, hobbits, unicorns and Chinese people.


"One large black coffee please, Bambo."
"(click) (click) (kung!) Yessum!"

Don't be outdone convenience store! You got negros too!