14 minutes of Poland

Scene 2

It is early in the evening of Tomek's grandfather's Name day. Tomek returns to his grandfather's house because he had accidentally taken his aunt and uncle's keys with him when he left earlier in the day. He enters the small, poorly lit kitchen. Everyone is sitting around the table, which contains 4 empty vodka bottles.

Cast of Characters

Tomek: hero
Dziadek: angry, cussmouthed drunk grandfather
Wujek Janek: uncle of Putski fame, sporting a big moustache
Wujek Rysiek: black sheep of the family, sporting an ever bigger moustache and an alcholic's nose
Ciocia: overweight chain smoking aunt. the only sober one.

Tomek sits down between Wujek Janek and Wujek Rysiek. Janek is growling at Rysiek and is holding fists.

Janek to Rysiek: I'm going to kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you. Let's go!
Rysiek: Bring it. Let's go. I'll kill you!
Tomek: Hey guys, what's going on here, calm down, calm down...Let's just relax a bit.
(Janek turns to Tomek, as if just noticing him, then begins stroking his head)
Janek: (barely conscious, in broken English) I love you. I love you. You are nice.
Rysiek: He loves you! Understand!?
Ciocia: You're his favourite, he loves you.
Janek: I love you.
Tomek: Ok, Ok. That's good.
(Janek now has a fistful of Tomek's hair and is shaking his head roughly)
Tomek: Ok, ok, that's enough now. Whoah...ease off now Wujek.
Dziadek: Leave him alone! Leave him the fuck alone!
(Dziadek leaps out of his chair and runs to Tomek and begins to caress his head)
Dziadek: I fucking love you. Don't listen to what anyone else goddamned says, I fucking love you!
Rysiek: He loves you, do you understand!?! He loves you!
Dziadek: I'll give my heart for you.
Rysiek: He'll give his heart for you. Understand? You can't do that in Canada. You can't love. You don't have love there!
(Dziadek begins kissing Tomek's head)
Dziadek: Do you love me, Tomek? Do you fucking love me?
Tomek: Yeah, sure Dziadek. You're cool man.
(Dziadek, beaming, returns to his seat)
Rysiek: Look at how happy you made him. Look at him. He loves you!
Dziadek: Shut the fuck up Rysiek! Get the hell out of here!
Ciocia: Hey, Tomek. That girl that was here earlier with you. If she keeps eating like that, she's going to be fat. Are you going to marry her?
Dziadek: Get fucking married. We'll have a big fucking wedding in the backyard. I'll get a goddamned band. Woohoo!
Ciocia: She was nice. But she's going to get fat if she keeps eating. Like Agnieszka, she really put on some weight.
(everyone pauses for a moment in agreement)
Rysiek: That girl had a nice damned figure!
Dziadek at Rysiek: What the fuck are you talking about? What kind of goddamned language is that for a nice fucking boy like Tomek to have to hear? Tomek, did you hear what that asshole said?
(Tomek nods with a sad look on his face)
(Janek returns to consciousness again and turns to Tomek)
Janek: (in broken English) You my friend. You my friend. To here. (pointing to his head)
Tomek: Yeah man, you're my friend too.
(Janek begins to stroke Tomek's head again)
Dziadek: Leave him the fuck alone!
Rysiek: He loves you Tomek!
Dziadek: Shut the fuck up Rysiek. Go to your room!
Ciocia: Oh my god! The keys! The keys! We forgot about the keys!
Tomek: Everyone relax! I gave the keys to Janek 10 minutes ago.
Ciocia: Janek! Where are the keys?
Janek: I dunno! I dunnnnnnnno. You check for me.
(Janek collapses on the table and everyone begins to dig through his pockets, rolling his limp body around to get to his front pockets)
Ciocia: They're not here! They're not here!
Tomek: Relax! Relax! They're there, on the table.
Ciocia: Phew, ok.
(there is now a 30 second lull of silence)
Dziadek: Tomek. Tomek. Be a good boy. Pull Dziadek's ear.
Tomek: What?!?!
Dziadek: Pull my ear goddamit! If you love me, just grab my fucking ear and pull it!
Tomek: What's going on here?
Dziadek: Pull my ear!!
Tomek: Is this some kind of Polish tradition? I'm not pulling your ear.
Dziadek: (waving his hand in disgust) Then to fucking hell with you!
Rysiek: Pull his ear! He loves you!
Tomek: Ok, i'll pull it.
(Dziadek walks over to Tomek and offers a big, old man's ear. Tomek holds it gently and tugs)
Dziadek: No! Harder! Really pull on it!
Tomek: Ok!
(Tomek yanks on his grandfather's ear and Dziadek returns to his seat beaming)
Dziadek: Dziadek loves you Tomek. He loves you!
(Janek returns to consciousness, and begins to stroke Tomek's leg and look at him lovingly)
Janek: (in broken english) You a good dog. Yes. You a good dog.
Tomek: Ok, I gotta catch my bus!
(Tomek sprints out the door laughing out loud)

The end.