Epic Train Trip II - The Epic Hat

Morale was low. We were tired. The weather was terrible. I had yet to find an overweight, surly ice cream eating nun.

Yes, it was day 2 of Epic Train Trip and I was ready to call it quits. Suddenly, to the rescue, came my wonderful Polish aunt and the power of Polish hospitality and beer. Although she hadn't seen me in 20 years, she called me little Tomchu right away and pampered me and fed me rejuvinating magic bbq. Warm slippers and a tempermental toy poodle in their comfortable home outside of Warsaw were the small details that made me feel like I was at home in Caledon again.

Although it was cold and raining that night, the next day was May 1st, and my aunt assured us that there is an ongoing agreement between god and the communists that every May 1st, Labour Day, the weather would be nice until at least 1pm. Sure enough, we awoke to sunshine the next morning and my aunt took us to an enormous Russian market, full of shady characters selling pepper spray, cigarettes and Nazi paraphanelia, and bought me the hat that would transform our trip. When I put it on, the fun loving Russian proletariat in me that was always hiding from the capitalists, finally had the courage to come out...

Now sunny and warm, suddenly Warsaw's rebuilt old town didn't make me want to hang myself.









With the power of my new hat, I took a shot at busking. A man was playing the Titanic theme on pan flutes in the main square and I one upped his gay new age music with my interperative dance.


A family filming me with an enormous 1980's over the shoulder video camera forced one of their frightened children to put 5 zloty in my hat. I can only imagine that endless days of laughter they and their friends are getting right now on their Betamax in rural Belarusestonia.



Hey Laurence. How many giant seagulls can you fit on your dick? What? You never tried? Oh!? You never tried?! You're telling me you never measured your dick in giant perched seagulls? Whatever. Hey, Jess, check this guy out, he couldn't even fit a canary on his dick...oh yeah.

Perving on some perverted old men. How does it feel now, you sick bastards?

Craig taking a pit stop to 'knock one off' before going to the train station.

Look! Hahaha. A funny colored little yellow man wearing a funny hat. Can you believe it? His mother sure couldn't!


A run down pre-war building that we decided to explore. The only problem was a man was barring the entrance with a 2 by 4 and yelling at me that he won't let me in. I decided that we needed the mace that I had bought earlier that day at the Russian Market to be safe. But what if it was fake? What if the mace didn't really work? Hmmm.....

Oh, drunk Tomek. It works!



Not only did the mace burn and hurt me, it showed us all how I will look in ten years.

















Our final destination this day. The last remaining piece of the wall that surrounded the Jewish Ghetto. 1 1/2 days of looking, finally down a side street, buzzed into an apartment complex, into the courtyard, and behind the dumpster, there it lay. This is the best bit of sight seeing I've ever experienced in my life. It was cool, man!