Homos and Haters Find Common Ground

On opposite sides of Świdnicka street, two classic opposing forces in Polish society met for a showdown so intense that it made the cold war seem like a lover's tiff. The two sides in this conflict were Wrocław's 4 openly gay citizens squared up against a much larger and more vocal group of gayhaters eager to send the gays to that mythical island crammed full of prancing gay men and one ticking nuclear bomb.
Tension was high and fists and teeth were tightly clenched on both sides, as were also the ass muscles of only these highest grade homophobes brought in for this special occasion. So anti-gay were these men, that every single hair on their freshly buzz cutted coiffes stood up completely straight in defiance of these abominations.

I saw more police than the day before, so I immediately surmised that a Polish 'bomb threat' isn't nearly as dangerous as a Polish 'bum threat' in the eyes of the law. Someone told me that things were going rather well, because when Kraków's gay community tried to promote gay marriage they were pelted with fruits. It seems Irony pairs well with Intolerance.

About 5 minutes into this demonstration, the anti-gay contingent began to chant loudly in unison at the gays, "Zbocznecy! Zboczency! Zboczency!" which translates to "You Sick Pervs! You Sick Pervs!". The gays didn't respond back with any chants of their own, so I can only assume that these 4 really did like it dirty.

However, despite all this conflict, there was agreement between the two sides today over an issue that extended beyond the petty differences of gays and straights. One that both sides agreed was more important than anything else and they could unite on.



The anti-gay group was displaying this poster here, which as far as I understand means "No not giving a reach around." It seems that even these homophobes understood that if you're going to bend over and take it in the rear, the least someone can do is finish you off.

The Thin Red & White Line

So, I'm heading back home to my apartment after visiting a friend. I get to my street and find that it's blocked off with police tape and three cops are standing there wearing full body gear, helmets and carrying uzis. I asked what was going on, but Polish cops don't talk. I did see the cop turn away an old lady and an angry businessman on his way to an appointment. Nobody was allowed to pass.

I decided to go around and try another way, but it seemed that every single entrance to my street was swarming with cops holding uzis, turning everyone away. They meant business and weren't telling anyone what was going on.

Somehow I told one cop that I had to quickly get home, so he let me through and I walked through the little park behind my house towards my door, noticing the hustle and bustle of lots of cops in the park behind my apartment, all carrying uzis and walking around.

I quickly ran upstairs, got some money, and then ran back down. Now, all the cops were hiding behind cars with their guns at the ready. Some old man was standing next to me at the doorway, and I asked him what's going on. He had no idea. I told him I had to get to work, but he said they likely wouldn't let me pass. I kept looking at one cop behind a car and made motions like I was about to start walking, but he kept waving me back. I ingored him and started to make my way out of the street, and he yelled at me "Hurry up, go now, go!"

I began walking faster when suddenly the sound of machine gun fire filled the air. My killer instinct kicked in and I dove behind a car next to one of the cops with a gun and covered my head. Another day in Poland was starting off right.

I looked to the cop next to me for guidance, but found none. He was busy readying himself for who knows what and he looked at me with no sympathy. Here was a row of tough Polish cops holding uzis decked out in helmets and full gear, with one Polish teacher in the middle holding a purse and wearing a professor's jacket.

Suddenly, a door opened right behind me. It was the back door to the bookstore which opened up on the other side of the street. A curious old lady had opened it up to see what all the noise was. This was my chance to get the hell out of there. I made to go towards the door, but the cop yelled at the old lady to close it and hide, which she promptly did. I was stuck.

Now, for most of the day, my decision making part of my brain was troubled with such questions as, "Do I have McDonalds today or do I eat pierogi?", or perhaps my real difficult decision, "Do I shit now before work, or wait until after?". Now suddenly, the decision at hand, with the panic button firmly depressed and the "Grip on Reality" meter hovering around zero, was: do I crawl on my belly through the dirt towards that door and try knocking and hope someone lets me in, or do I stay hidden behind the Fiat while well armed people shoot machine guns at each other. My previous big decision of the day, 'when do I shit?', was on the verge of being made for me.

I decided to stay put. I intermittently poked my head up and peered through the car windows to see what was happening, but saw nothing except cops hiding. I then heard another round of machine gun fire, followed by a huge explosion, which shook the buldings around me and set off every single car alarm in the neighbourhood. This scene was now very familiar to me: cops hiding behind cars, guns firing, bombs exploding and the sound of car alarms. I was the innocent bystander in a bad action film.

This nerd wasn't ready to die. I ducked back down and clutched my purse, my lifeblood. I took inventory, hoping something in my purse might be of help.
1. Chapstick - check
2. Notebook - check
3. Cell Phone - check
4. Polish-English dictionary - check
5. Sub machine gun - nope

No. It seemed I was shit out luck. Only the Polish-English dictionary was useful, and I couldn't find the phrase I was looking for, "When the fuck did my day turn into Polish 'Die Hard'?"

I poked my head out again and saw a car race around the corner, tires screeching, followed by another. More gun fire. I stayed down for a bit longer, purse in 'shield mode', until after a few minutes of silence, the cop told me to get out of there.

I bolted from the park and ran through a huge crowd of people who had gathered by the next street, wondering what all the noise was. Nobody seemed to have any answer. When I got to work and told the story, of course, nobody believed me.

Do you?

I've asked everyone what happened to me yesterday, and I've heard everything from police training, film shoot, to a crazy guy blew himself up.

Whatever happened, Poland...I love you. This was the best day ever!

The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

Listen up you little punk. Intensive training has begun. There's no way you're arriving here speaking better Polish than me. I just finished reading "Ms. Tittle Mouse" in Polish and next is "Tomek the Kitten". Punk! I think, sleep and dream in Polish. Pan Tadeusz? Light reading that sits near my toilet. You're going down faster than the Battleship Potemkin!

Po przyjeździe do Polski moja edukacja w zakresie tego wspaniałego języka idzie ciągle do przodu. No ba ! Idzie tak do przodu (jestem niemal pewien) ,że mówię już lepiej od mojej kochanej siostrzyczki Agnieszki .W związku z tym chciałem ogłosić skromny rodzinny pojedynek ! Niedługo będę mógł posługiwać się tak piękna polszczyzną jak Rysiu z Klanu! Myślę ,że mam bliżej do tego niż dalej ! Oj coś czuje ,że Agnieszce żal dupcie ściśnie jak zobaczy moje władanie polskim ! Ha ! A ja cieszę michę , bo wymiatam i tyle !A teraz nie będę zamulał i przystąpię do rzeczy jasno !Sprawa przedstawia się tak : robimy pojedynek : Ziomek Tomek kontra Agnieszka ; zwycięzca ? Chyba nie muszę tego pisać Zwycięzcę wyłoni specjalna polska komisja sędziowska (skład zostanie ustalony w najbliższym czasie ).Nagroda ?Hm...Satysfakcja !Myślę ,że ja napisałem już dość wiele i popisałem się co nieco . A teraz czekam na rewanż ze strony siostrzyczki w postaci komentarza ! Pamiętaj Agnieszka ! Komisja czyta i Patrzy :D !